Michael Moore's Letter to Kofi Annan

November 11, 2000
To: Kofi Annan, Secretary General of the United Nations
From: Michael Moore, United States Citizen

Dear Mr. Secretary General: Help us!

Massive election fraud is taking place in an area that looks like a banana republic -- but is actually part of the United States of America! We are sitting here helpless as our leaders appear unable to do anything about this stolen election. On behalf of freedom-loving people everywhere, I appeal to the world community and the United Nations for immediate intervention. There is ample evidence to indicate that the votes of thousands of our citizens were not counted or, worse, were given to a man who has a sister named "Bay." Further evidence also shows that hundreds of African American voters were simply not allowed to vote.

I ask that you appoint humanitarian ambassador/carpenter Jimmy Carter to head up an official United Nations team of election observers from Rwanda, Brunei, Bosnia and South Africa and send them to this state we call "Florida." They are desperately needed to oversee the re-count, the hand- count and any other forms of counting being conducted by people who apparently can count.

Remember that guy Milosevic in Yugoslavia trying to claim victory when he got the least number of votes? He would love Florida! Next to watching greyhound dogs run in circles, election fraud is South Florida's favorite pastime (I am enclosing, for your observer team, copies of the Miami Herald series on voter fraud which won the 1999 Pulitzer Prize).

It appears on the surface that lame graphic design is at the root of this ballot problem, especially in Palm Beach County where Jewish votes were given to a man who always has a nice word to say about Third Reich.

But even more telling is the situation in the Daytona Beach area. In that county, the Socialist Workers Party candidate, James Harris, received a whopping 9,888 votes. When your observers arrive, they will discover that the socialist revolution in Daytona Beach is running a distant third to drunken college spring breaks and NASCAR racing. In fact, you will be hard-pressed to find a single Bolshevik in Daytona Beach, let alone a decent cappuccino.

What CBS News discovered is that these 9,888 votes in Daytona Beach for the socialist Mr. Harris represented more than HALF of his ENTIRE 19,310 votes nationwide!

Some might see this a communist plot; election officials in Florida have tried to pass it off as a "computer glitch." I call it fuzzy math.

You should know that the ruler of this disputed region of our country is the brother of the presidential candidate who is benefiting from these shenanigans, George W. Bush. He is already beginning to function as the "President-Elect," even though he got fewer votes in the country than his opponent, Al Gore! The networks had reported that Gore won the state of Florida, but after the one Bush (the candidate) made a call to the other Bush (the governor of Florida), suddenly the Bush running for president was ahead.

This must sound very familiar to you. I know you have had to deal with "the relatives" before in places like Indonesia and The Congo, and, hey, who can blame them? Everyone wants to see family members do well. But in this case, the self-declared "President-Elect" is also the son of the former President who was dethroned by Gore and his running mate 8 years ago. Does any of this make sense? Would it help to know that the father of the "President-Elect" was also the head of the CIA? Just so you know what you are getting into.

If you look at the map of the U.S., Florida is the section that seems like it is about to drop off into the sea. It is a backwater area whose climate and topography -- swamps, mosquitoes, unbearable humidity, reptiles everywhere -- resembles much of the Third World. It is truly a scary place -- ask any German tourist! It is the easiest state in which to buy guns in the United States. Prisoners are executed without the sort of due process you get in other parts of the world. According to your own U.N. report, more children are immunized in Jamaica than in Florida, and a baby has a better chance of living to see it's first birthday if it is born in Cuba than in Miami. Most of us just go there to get warm in the winter -- and, for many, Arizona is looking better and better these days.

Please, Mr. Annan, you have to get here right away. The self-declared "President-Elect" is trying to stop the counting of the ballots. He knows what these ballots will reveal. His propaganda ministers have been lying to the American people for days now, saying things like "this kind of ballot is used everywhere, including in Chicago for Jesse Jackson's son!"

Our esteemed journalist, Ted Koppel, held up the Chicago ballot last night on TV to show that it looks NOTHING like the Florida ballot. He told the American people they were being snookered by the Bush people.

Mr. Secretary General, you are already at the U.N. in New York! Flights from NYC to Miami leave every 15 minutes! Mr. Carter is in the state right next to Florida! Stop by, pick him up, and tell him he may need at least his hammer, if not his nails. If the state of Florida refuses to admit your international team of election observers, I implore the Security Council to impose economic sanctions against this place which calls itself "the Sunshine State." The rest of us in America can no longer tolerate their rogue operations.

Please remember this is the same state which earlier this year turned kidnapping into a legal sport when they refused to return a little Cuban boy to his father. We had to put up with that circus for nearly eight months. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. If this kind of thievery were happening in any other part of the world, we would have bombed the crap out of it by now. I am hoping for a peaceful resolution to this crisis and for the self-declared "President-Elect" to be returned to his box seat in Arlington, Texas.

I know you are the man to save us.

Yours, Michael Moore

The Kennebunkport Hillbilly

[to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song"]

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.
Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?

Advice from Mount Rushmore

W, flabbergasted and overwhelmed to actually find himself President, travels to Mt. Rushmore to seek counsel from the 4 predecessors enshrined there. "What can I do for the good of the country?" he asks.

Washington answers first, "You know I was a man of integrity, that I could never tell a lie. Do the same."

Jefferson spoke next, "I wrote, 'We hold this truth to be self evident: that all men are created equal.' Remember that and you will always act in the best interests of the country."

Teddy Roosevelt squinted through his specs and barked. "You know what I always said, don't you? Or were you absent that day??? Oh, stop sputtering! I'll tell you: 'Walk softly and carry a big stick' you eclair! Be firm, be flexible, and don't let the National Parks go down the indoor plumbing!!!!"

Last but not least was Lincoln. "Mr. Precedent," Bush said, "you led this country through its most turbulous times. You are probably our greatest precedent. And, hey! They even named a gas guzzler after you! So I'm very interested in what you have to say." After a brief cloud of dismay passed over his countenance, Honest Abe looked benevolently down on Shrub and said, "What can you do for the good of the country ?????? GO TO THE THEATRE!"

Gore Staffer Voicemail Message

"Due to a small but significant clause in the U.S. Constitution, I will be out of the office from January 21, 2001 until January 20, 2005."
- a forwarding message left on the White House phones by one of Al Gore's top advisors.

Secret Draft of Inaugural Speech

TOP SECRET The Bush Inagural Address: Final Draft
My fallow Americans:

As I stand here today, looking out at this magnificent Visa, I think we can all agree that during this last election, we all saw Democracy in traction. But in the true spirit of our country, the American people have made their indecision plain. And now, our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach to gubmint.

We are all one family, all of us together -- white or wrong, black or right. And we must never forgive that. That is why my administration will be the Bush administration. Our new tax program will free the top ten percent from the burden of the lower ninety percent. As for Social Insecurity, I haven't done the arithmebatics, but I can say to you that we will never rest until we save our seniors, who are the backache of the nation. We will also enact a system of choice as our education policy. And now that the election is over, I can call that choice what it really is -- school vouchers for rich white people who want to rescue their helpless kids from inner city schools. We will increase defense spending until we are once again what we always have been -- the world's biggest deficit-spending super-power in the history of the world. Surrounded as we are by terrorismists, we must always have a mixed metaphor to rely on, and a ready sword to light the path to peace. It is not only our fate; it is our destination, because we are the land of the home, and the free of the brave, and the last hate grope of freedom.

In confusion, let me say this: I will get things undone. I will untie the country. I will make it my business to always appeal to this country's better angles. And I promise you that, for the next four years, the principles of freedom and equality will get my undevoted attention. Thank you, and God help America.

Credited by contributor to Bill Smith Studio.

How the Grinch Stole America

guardian unlimited

Every Vote down in Voteville liked Voting a Lot,
But the GRINCH, who lived West of Voteville, did Not.
For Voting was Counting - not just Adding and such

But finding out if you Amounted to Much.
In this case, the question was, who, in a pinch,
Amounted to More? Did the Veep? Or the Grinch?

The Veep! What a creep! What a CREEP! CREEP! CREEP! CREEP!
He simply could NOT be outdone by the Veep.

But the Veep was Experienced. He'd done the big jobs,
He was smart. (He was smart-ass.) He knew all the knobs
And the levers and buttons that worked the State's Ship
And the Grinch? Well, re: knowledge he was not too hip.
The President of India? The economy? Pass.
He'd never been close to the head of the class.

So far the poor Grinch hadn't Amounted to zip,

He just hadn't Counted. It gave him the pip.

(His father! His eminent Dad! His own blood!

Compared to him, Grinchy had proved quite a dud.)

And now that he'd actually reached his Big Day
Argh! Counting the Ballots could steal it away!

And what was a Ballot? Was it silver or gold?
Were they counting up treasure? A fortune untold?
No! Just some dumb punch-card! They were counting up holes!
Oh, the holes! Yes, the holes! Oh, the HOLES! HOLES! HOLES! HOLES!
The whole thing depended on Circles of Air -
Not to mention the half-holes,
  and holes that weren't there,
   But that wanted to be there,
    and thought that was fair.

All they would do was to add up! To Count!
And they'd count! And they'd count! And they'd COUNT! COUNT! COUNT! COUNT!
And they'd probably end up with a Quite Wrong Amount!
"If they go on counting," the Grinch shuddered, "Eep!"
"They may just wind up electing the Veep!"

"How to stop it?" the Grinch exclaimed with a moan
And then he remembered he wasn't alone.
There were Grinches all over, big Grinches and small,
There were Grinches in Voteville and in City Hall,
He knew some news-Grinches, and he could depend
On these inky fellows to shape and to bend
Their stories to help him win through in the end.

But the Grinches who'd give him the edge and the win
Were the great Legal Grinches, and Grinches of Spin.

So he called on his cohorts. "My friends, we must Grinch
This election! 'Nuff Counting! Get to work! Do not flinch!
We must Grinch! We must Grinch! We must GRINCH! GRINCH! GRINCH! GRINCH!
We cannot be beaten by circles of air
Or circles that only imagine they're there.
Every day that they Count them, the total will creep
Up and up, until it elects that old Veep!"

So they Grinched the election. They Grinched, day by day,
Until all the options were whittled away.
They Grinched it with lawyers, they Grinched it with writs,
They split all the hairs and they picked all the nits,
And when it came up to the Ultimate Bench
They Grinched it away with one final Wrench.
They ordered all Voteville to give up its Count,
Before it came up with that Quite Wrong Amount.

And the Votes down in Voteville? They've run out of steam.
'Tis the season to party, to heal and to dream.
Why worry? The Constitution is strong,
The judges who judge it can never be wrong,
The Veep may have won, but he's lost. And that's that.
Voteville accepts the high judges' fiat.
There isn't a holler, there isn't a scream,
Think of the dollar! Let's play for the team!
So everyone okays the Grinch's régime,
And things are probably
Not as bad as they seem.

"Four whole years of Grinchdom!" the Grinch cries with glee
"There's Only One Person who Counts now

Salman Rushdie, Thursday January 4, 2001

Garry Trudeau on the Election

Anyway, it's true, the election result is good for me. Bush is this stable, hard target. It's as if Quayle had won. Plus you have the wonderful narrative of how he got where he now is. It took his brother, his father, his father's friends, the Florida Secretary of State, and the Supreme Court to pull it off. His entire life gives fresh meaning to the phrase 'assisted living'.

- "Doonesbury" creator, Garry Trudeau, quoted in The New Yorker.

Alfred W.

Make the Pie Higher

A poem by George Bush
(with Washington Post writer Richard Thompson,
constructed entirely from Dubya quotations.)

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.

It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet

Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity

I know that the human being

And the fish can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!

Vulcanize Society!

Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

When in doubt, read the documentation....

Telegram to Al Gore

Thanksgiving meditation

Our Priorities Is Our Faith

by George Bush
(with Charlie S., constructed entirely from Dubya quotations.)

People getting ready
to jump out of the foxholes
before the first shot is fired.
Our nation must come together to unite.
We've got these vampire-busting devices.

Brie and cheese.
As they say in diplomatic nuanced circles.
Can't take the high horse
and then claim the low road.
Smart comes in all kinds of different ways.

I get subscribed to some-
some doctrine gets subscribed to me.
I will continue to articulate
what I believe and what I believe-
I believe what I believe is right.

This is a nation that loves our freedom,
loves our country.
On behalf of a well oiled unit of people.
I'm a proud man to be the nation
based upon such wonderful values.

The right thing is hearing the voices
of people who work.
Women who will see service to our country
as a great privilege
and who will not stain the house.

They have miscalculated me as a leader.
The power that be,
well most of the power that be,
sits right here.
But the greatness of America are the people.

And I'm more interacting with people.
I like interfacing with them.
A leadership is someone who brings people together.
You gotta preserve.
The great country called America will be the pacemakers.

Reading is the basics for all learning.
I don't read what's handed to me.
To make sure there's not this kind of federal- federal cufflink.
One of the great things about books is sometimes
there are some fantastic pictures.

Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.
We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House.
Do you have blacks, too? Keep good relations with the Grecians.
The unrest in the Middle East creates unrest throughout the region.
It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then.

More and more of our imports come from overseas.
It's your money, you paid for it.
If the terriers and bariffs are torn down,
this economy will grow.
Where there's more trade, there's more commerce.

Misunderstanding and Hispanically.
We're not a party of anti-immigrants.
Natural gas is hemispheric.
I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy.
Hold this nation hostile or our allies hostile.

The dark dungeons of the internet.
A faith-based initiative to spread its wings across America.
Any kind of human cloning to come out of that [Senate's] chamber.
I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all.
Our priorities is our faith.

Gulf Wars!

How to Use Duct Tape


202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461

Dear Sir / Madam,
I am GEORGE WALKER BUSH, son of the former president of the United States of America George Herbert Walker Bush, and currently serving as President of the United States of America. This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to an account requiring maximum confidence.

I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in the republic of Iraq. My partners and I solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the United States of America, and bravely served his country as director of the United States Central Intelligence Agency.

In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then vice-president of the United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the President of the Republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the neighboring islamic republic of Iran. This unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a falling-out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue sources in the neighboring emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned U.S.-British subsidiary.

My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of sixty-one billion u.s. dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of that cost, thirty-six billion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and other persian gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars ($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanese partners. But my father's former Iraqi business partner remained in control of the republic of Iraq and its petroleum reserves.

My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the President of the Republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power. unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden of this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 billion to 200 billion dollars ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), both in the initial acquisition and in long-term management.

Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in this business transaction include the sitting vice-president of the United States of America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq venture and former head of the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, whose professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her.

I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent (10-25 %) of your yearly income to our account to aid in this important venture. The internal revenue service of the United States of America will function as our trusted intermediary. I propose that you make this transfer before the fifteenth (15th) of the month of April.
I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive and worried. But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. A bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you. Please do be informed that this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not wish to co-operate in this transaction, please contact our intermediary representatives to further discuss the matter.

I pray that you understand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be forever grateful. Please reply in strict confidence to the contact numbers below.

Sincerely with warm regards,
George Walker Bush
Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461

Bush memo to Secretary of State Rice during UN Security Council meeting

bathroom break
Reuters, New York, NY, September 14, 2005

You Can't Trust a Dick With a Gun

(Sung to the tune of Irving Berlin's "You Can't Get a Man With a Gun.")

I'm quick with the buckshot
And you all know the upshot:
Yes, there's blood when the day is done
But here's what is scary —
I meant to hit John Kerry
Oh, you can't trust a Dick with a gun.

When I'm giving orders
Or hiding from reporters
You can bet that I'm having fun!
But when it comes to aiming,
Just call me "Auntie Maim-ing"
Oh, you can't trust a Dick with a gun.
With a gun, with a gun,
No, you can't trust a Dick with a gun.

When I was a draftee,
I thought of something crafty:
I told them I had to run.
But now that I'm grown up,
I like to see things blown up
And I may shoot a male on the trail like a quail
So you can't trust a Dick with a gun.

If I go out shootin',
I'm just like Vladdy Putin:
I turn red as the setting sun

But when blood starts a-spurtin',
It ain't at Halliburton
No, you can't trust Dick with a gun.

I'm tough as a marlin
With someone else's darlin'
When the war I insist be won.
But it hurts me a fair spot
To see a millionaire shot,
No, you can't trust a Dick with a gun.
With a gun, with a gun.
No you can't trust a Dick with a gun.

If you seek reduction
In weps of mass destruction
I believe I can find you one.
Okay, I'm confessin':
It's my sweet Smith & Wesson
'Cause I shoot like a coot and I start wars to boot!
No, you can't trust a Dick with a gun.

-- Lenore Skenazy, New York Daily News, February 14, 2006

to · pi · ar · y adj. Of or characterized by the clipping or trimming of live shrubs or trees into decorative shapes, as of animals.
n., pl. to · pi · ar · ies. Topiary work or art. A topiary garden. [Latin topiarius, from topia, ornamental gardening, from Greek topia, pl. of topion, field, diminutive of topos, place.]

Have a favorite Bush joke or anecdote to contribute? Email Include citation or date if possible.

Thanks to contributors Barry Izsak, Brenda Kamen, Mark Peters, Audrey Lavine, Linda Rothschild, Mark Janas, Charlie S., Chris Kee, Scott Noll, Teresha Aird, and Wendy Lavine.